We live in a world where external validation is a driving force that tends to overshadow personal belief. Knowingly or unknowingly, you start to build your values around what you believe is accepted by society and how you can fit in. One thing I have realized is that it is easy to underestimate yourself, it is very easy to downplay your efforts by hiding under faux humility and then you slowly start to believe that there is nothing special about you.

Well, this post is for all my baddies with low self-esteem, I am here to tell you that there is a lot special about you and there’s no standard set for who you are supposed to be. Let’s get into ways you can build self-confidence.

1. Recognize Your Unique Value:

Everyone has unique skills and there is something about experiences, and perspectives that sets you apart from everyone else. Start by acknowledging your individuality, even if it means standing in front of the mirror and saying, “I am a badass”. I recently started making a list of my strengths, wins, weakness and values. Reflect on how these qualities contribute to your experiences and relationships. Write down five qualities or skills that you appreciate about yourself. These can be anything from being a good listener to being an undercover FBI agent. Find what makes you, you and harness your superpower.

2. Set Healthy Boundaries:

With low self-esteem comes the urge to take a lot of undermining things because you just don’t think you deserve better. That’s a big fat lie and it is one of the many tricks your mind plays on you. Set healthy boundaries, always ensure that there is a line very well drawn. Hold people accountable respectfully (unless they disrespect you then please by all means pop off on them). Protect your inner peace.

3. Overcome Negative Self-Talk:

Now I’m the queen of trash talking oneself (this isn’t a flex, and I am not about to make it one) and I can say for a fact that negative self-talks do a great job of convincing that you are incapable of doing incredibly great things.  These thoughts are very intrusive and can come in at anytime and anywhere. I have had these thoughts when I’m doing the most random things and looking back at those moments, I wish I challenged these thoughts by questioning their validity and replacing them with positive affirmations. Encourage yourself and tell yourself all the good things you want to hear. Start by not throwing the first jab that comes in your head at yourself. Go a day without saying bad things to yourself and slowly progress into a lifetime free from negative self-talks.

4. Set Achievable Goals:

Setting goals whether big or small and being able to achieve them is a great way to boost your self-belief and confidence. Start with little tasks like starting your day early, exercising weekly, killing a fly every day, anything at all! Receive the joy that comes with celebrating yourself.

5. Develop a Growth Mindset:

Be an optimist, you know what they say about the law of attraction. You attract what you think. Having a growth mindset lets you see challenges as opportunities for developing yourself and not an avenue to kick yourself when you are down. Embrace learning, allow yourself to be a beginner, no one ever really gets it right at first try.

6. Seek Constructive Feedback:

A little constructive feedback and reassurance from your loved ones can go a long way. One thing I am thankful for, is having friends who keep it real with me and do it with so much love. Engage with people close to you, friends, family, mentors or coaches who can provide constructive feedback. Use this feedback as a tool for your growth and not a determinant of what you can do. Keep building, life is a place for continuous learning.

7. Accept Self-Compassion:

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself grace, the many chances you give people that hurt you, extend that same grace to yourself. In the words of Black Sherriff, “who never mess up hands in the air”. Make those mistakes but be sure to learn from them. Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with kindness. Be a good person to yourself. Accept that your journey is different from everyone else and enjoy the process. There's a line from a song by a Nigerian artiste and he said in my local language (Yoruba) “Even if it takes me time to get there, I'll get there when I get there”. Take it easy with yourself.

8. Nurture Your Physical and Mental Health:

Take good care of your health, it gets you through it all. Your physical well-being can significantly impact your confidence. Exercise regularly & maintain a healthy diet. I’m currently on a strict diet for the 100^th time this year and it doesn’t matter how many times you restart, always make it a habit to pay attention to your wellbeing when you seem to be going out of line. Again, MENTAL HEALTH IS HEALTH! I simply cannot overemphasize this, pay attention to your mental health. Everything we believe about ourselves comes from the mind. Pay attention to the source.

9. Invest in Continuous Learning:

Expand your knowledge. Beating yourself for not knowing enough or being enough would not make you enough. A recent pact I made with myself is to stop whining about not being a certain way but rather transferring all that energy into being the version of me that I want to be. Upskill yourself, take courses, practice, simply put in the work to improve yourself and be better.

10. Surround Yourself with Positive Influences:

Everyone needs cheerleaders in their corner. People who are constantly rooting for them and cheering them on. Surround yourself with people that never fail to remind you how bad you are. The company you keep can influence your self-perception.

I'll leave you with something a close friend of mine told on one of my very many days where I think I'm not good enough. He said ‘the only person standing in your way is you and if only you will get out of your way, then you can see how bright your light shines’ It hit and as I was writing this post I remembered, and it hit event more. You're capable of everything you dream, think or imagine. Allow your light shine. Imagine a life where you believed in yourself, and you achieved all you have ever wanted and more. 

 

 

Relocating: it's the adult version of the first day at a new school or your first day at a new job, DREADFUL! You’re in a new place, where every street corner is unfamiliar, your go-to spot is yet to be discovered and life as you know it is completely altered. You've packed up all your things ready for this new life, you arrive and you're looking in the crowd for a friendly face or a sign saying, "New friends found here!" It's an emotional cocktail – one part excitement, two parts anxiety, with a spoonful of loneliness to taste. In my case, it was most parts anxiety and other parts doubt

Relocation is a major life change, and with it comes a rollercoaster of emotions. Being an overthinker makes it even worse because you’re stuck worrying about what’s next to come and then over planning. If this sounds like you, you're not alone in feeling alone. You may have noticed that this blog is my secret diary where I stylishly share things of interest and look for coping mechanisms. It's not going to be different with this next post. Some of you already know I recently relocated for my master’s; and yes! The home sickness be hitting this baby girl hard on some days. So, let’s delve into the ways of dealing with the loneliness that comes with relocating.

Tips for dealing with loneliness from relocation.

1. Recognize the Rollercoaster of Relocation

Disclaimer: To my male readers, do not feel disregarded. I am writing as a woman and a lot of my references will be in favor of women. Feel free to add the right nouns as you deem fit.

Remember when you met that special someone and the connection was instant? Things started to grow between the both of you and you were imagining spending the rest of your life with this special someone. You convinced yourself that this person is the best thing that has ever happened to you, and you enjoy spending all the time in the world with them.

Then boom! you wake up one day and all this is gone, the spark you once shared has suddenly died out and you are doing everything you can to keep this person in your life but they just don't want to be a part of you anymore. You realize you've been served breakfast, and your beautiful love story is now your greatest nightmare.

If you have ever experienced Nigerian men with a little spotlight on Lagos and Abuja, then you are familiar with the gut-wrenching feeling, the sleepless nights, the endless questions and thinking you are not enough. In my very young life I have lived, I have loved, and I have been exposed to heartbreak more than once both personally and experiences from people around me. At a point, I didn’t want to hear anything from men, by men, to men. I just wanted them far far away.

By now, you guys already know that I like to do my homework and carry out research on ways to deal with certain situations because your girl be going through some things, and I just need to get out. This post isn’t an exception, and I will be going over ways to build emotional resilience and letting that pain go! 

Ways to Build Emotional Resilience. 

1. Do not Ignore the signs: Sometimes, you can spot a heartbreak from a mile away but instead of retreating and taking cover, you keep heading towards it. This might be because you are hopeful it won’t really happen, or you’re just so caught up in your feelings for that person. Whatever the case maybe, if a person shows you their true colors, please believe it, I’m speaking from experience.

2.   2. Embrace Your Feelings: Have you ever experienced ghosting or heartbreak? How did you handle it? Please tell us in the comments. It’s okay to be hurt, we all want to be loved and spoilt and that’s totally fine. So, embrace your feelings. Cry your heart, it's okay to cry, scream into a pillow, or binge-watch your favorite TV show with a tub of ice cream. Give yourself permission to feel, because bottling up emotions only leaves you heartbroken longer than you need to be.

3.   3. Create a "Breakup and Ghosting" Playlist : I know what you’re thinking, “don’t break up songs make you sadder? But I promise you that if you have an upbeat playlist with break up songs like “Best thing I never had” by Beyonce or “Who is she 2 u” by Brandy. Girl! You’re going to be kicking that man out of your life in nothing but bin bags! Here’s the link to playlist that has gotten me through tough seasons 😔 Move On

Hi, my name is Wonuola, I constantly battle with anxiety and I’m at that weird stage in your late 20’s where everyone is starting up businesses, buying houses, getting married but I’m questioning my career choice, my decision to move halfway across the world, heck I can’t even decide on what clothes to wear. The days are going by fast, and it feels like I’m running out of time. But the question is, who set this time and why are we in a hurry to reach a certain mark in life before a certain age. If you have the answer to this question please tell us in the comments, should I slow down and take a chill pill?

 

In a world that seems to be constantly on the move, staying productive and positive can sometimes feel like a battle. Add anxiety into the mix, and it can be even more challenging. One minute you feel completely normal & then suddenly a wave of sadness hits and you start to analyze everything wrong in your life. Things as little as why the taxi driver didn’t smile at you when you greeted them get to you and then suddenly you are convinced everyone in the universe hates you.  When it gets really bad, I find myself overwhelmed by the simplest things like responding to messages. P.s I’m not ignoring you, I’m just anxious.

Recently, my anxiety has been through the roof majorly because I quit my 4year job and decided it was time to go back to school to further my education and career. A lot of people call me brave, but I keep asking myself ‘WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!’

So, I have been looking up ways to deal with this monster called anxiety and I reached out to a few friends and family on how they deal with this crippling emotion.  I’ll be going over some of the tips they have shared, and I hope we find them useful. 

 Staying Productive When Dealing with Anxiety

Real Life Tips for dealing with anxiety.

•    I take really deep and hard breaths and I tell myself that ‘I’m okay, I’m safe and I’m in control.

•  I regulate my temperature because anxiety attacks make the atmosphere really hot. So, I carry around my little fan for when that little demon tries to creep in.

• When I start to feel anxious, I run to my daddy Jesus because he is my safe space and he always come through for his baby girl.

•  I try to identify my triggers and work through them while being mindful and reminding myself that I control my emotions and not the other way around.

• I recently discovered that sugar and chocolate can trigger anxiety attacks, so when I feel anxious, I go over my diet and see if I’m having way more sugar than I should.

•   I take it all out by doing yoga and getting enough sleep. Those stretches from yoga, stretch the anxiety out of me.

•   Anxiety is weird and each episode for me requires a different approach. Sometimes, I break down and let the tears roll, sometimes I call my therapists or friends, other times I sit quietly and try to regulate my thoughts. Anxiety is all in your head, so you have to make sure your mind is stronger than your subconscious every time.

•  I drink. A glass of wine keeps the anxiety away.

•  I masturbate. It certainly helps me release the tension.

•    My primary source of anxiety in the life I’ve lived has mostly been towards school and exams up until this point and I’ve handled it by reminding myself I can’t fail and I’d always eventually put in the work. Other times I’m avoidant and I tell myself that’s future me problem. I’m sure that babe is tired of me by now, but she always eventually gets shit done. so, I trust her 🤭

I really enjoyed going over these tips and I find some of them rather interesting. *Side eye*

Mental Health Management and Productivity Tips

I also have some expert tips on how to deal with being anxious.

Acknowledge the Anxiety: First things first, we need to acknowledge that anxiety exists. Pretending it's not there won't make it magically disappear. It's like trying to ignore a dragon in your living room; it won't work except of course you don’t mind your house being burnt down. A few days ago, I broke down on my way home. I’m talking ugly tears, bawling eyes, nose running, throat tight with people looking at me crazy.

I realized that it was because I was doing everything to avoid and deny how I felt. I had found a way to convince myself that I had no right to feel the way I did because other people have it worse. But, in that moment, I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. So, don’t ignore your anxiety, instead greet it like an old friend, "Hey, anxiety, you're here again, huh? Well, guess what, I've got some plans today!"

Set Small Goals: If you are like me who tries to finish all 200 tasks at once, then you definitely need to pay close attention to this point. When anxiety is breathing down your neck, break your tasks into bite-sized pieces. Instead of trying to finish that 20-page report in one go, focus on writing one page at a time. Achieving these mini milestones will give a sense of accomplishment.

Create a Support System: When living with an anxiety disorder, it can happen anytime, but you don’t have to deal with it alone. Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist who can provide support and guidance. Sometimes, sharing your feelings can alleviate anxiety and help you stay on track. My friends are my unpaid therapists and if you guys are reading this, please don’t get tired of me.

Sensory Soothing: Create a sensory relaxation kit with items like stress balls, textured fabrics, or scented candles. Engaging your senses can be grounding and calming.

Journaling: Create a journal for your feelings and thoughts. This not only helps you express yourself but also allows you to gain insight into your emotions.